These last couple of weeks I’ve found myself in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The way this place was described to me initially was as the inverse of a melting pot. It is a place where differentiation runs wild. Cultural groups that have never fully merged, architecture that has remained the same for hundreds of years. In terms of Human Design, a dry kitchens environment. Like dry ingredients of a baking recipe, you can remove each individual speck of salt given the time and attention.
There, I found myself feeling the energy of this place, all the while being made to feel immensely at home with myself. Those within the community greeted me warmly, embracing every part of me, no matter how that looked. There was a moment where I felt the mutation of a low taking hold of me, I disappeared into it, and when I re-emerged in a gloriously rare mood three days later I was embraced by excited people welcoming me back into the group. I was allowed to be exactly who I was, someone who is slow to get ready, who is melancholic, who needs to sit back and bear witness to everything before being invited into anything. This trip offered me the space to really discover and integrate aspects of my own design that have taken so long to even acknowledge. And in leaving, I’ve been left with much revelation and, in the spirit of mutation, some immense distaste for a few things.
Throughout the week many insightful conversations captivated my attention. One, in particular, has been sitting with me. A concept I’d been introduced to very early in 2021- the idea that aura is not truly expressed through interaction in online spaces. It never made sense to me, someone who grew up influenced by the internet, someone who had made inumerous connections through online forums, something I’m still experiencing and expanding upon as time rolls on and I now have the autonomy to express through connection in person.
This last week or two has set so much connection to design in motion, through which I had this new understanding of online spaces as a machine for the mind, for the maya. We take in all of this information where it truly lives in our minds, free for us to do what we will with it, disconnected from what our body is telling us, disconnected from the mechanics of another. In my work as a nanny I saw so much of the disconnection that occurs while children zone into the tv or iPad. Likewise, digital spaces disconnect us from our senses, from connection to what our bodies are telling us, the antithesis of an embodiment practice. A good friend reflected that in order to witness the bee, we must be out in nature, experiencing all of our senses- watching, with our vision, the bee, hearing its buzz, feeling the cool breeze on our skin, smelling the sweetness of the surrounding vegetation. Meanwhile, three hours of time collecting information on the internet is gone in the blink of an eye, not entirely memorable. Allowing retention of some insights but not experiencing the breadth of where we were taken in a very physical way during that time. The bee, however, is quite memorable, allowing us to experience a wide variety of sensations. A truly sensual experience.
This idea has lived in my mind for about four days, and it’s been affecting my experience of the world in a very visceral way. The dissatisfaction I’ve often felt in online spaces suddenly bubbling up to the surface as understanding. Online spaces can feel so inauthentic. There is no true sense of others’ energy there. I’ve slowly seen a shift in my own perception of myself in online spaces. The feeling of not being understood for who I truly am, being misinterpreted by anyone who crosses paths with anything I quickly put out into the world via the internet. And recently, an immense desire to connect more fully in person. A desire to again be embraced, wholly, in a way I haven’t previously. To experience the feeling of being energetically connected to another, meanwhile the last two years have been spent so separate from everyone, so disconnected. It feels detrimental in retrospect.
Sitting with this desire for connection and new found discomfort with living in online spaces, what has shown up before as seeking community outside of physical community, I find curiosity in what an appropriate outlet for networking, working, connecting, could look like. This process will require time and thought and feeling things out. So for now I will just make changes where I can, allowing my heart to lead the way. This idea leads right into what else has been coming up for me as I’ve tried my best to come back to my work here-
I sat here, today, at my screen attempting to put words to this upcoming full moon in Aquarius and it felt painful. My heart was not in it, despite having committed to myself early on this year to write up a new and full moon post every month. Instead, I took to my journal and started writing out the feelings that were surfacing for me. And in a way, it is reflective of the energy of this moon that will occur on the 11th of August, just a couple of days from now. Slowly, the revelation that the energy of this moon is exactly what I’ve been deepening understanding of over the last two years in my own life as Saturn moves through Aquarius, a place my own natal Sun resides, a Sun that has been square Uranus for quite some time, emphasizing this need to soften, to relinquish control. This softening that allows for pivoting at a moments notice when nothing can be prepared for. An energy that urges me to be authentic to who I am no matter what others think. An understanding of the power dynamics that have been at play my entire life, allowing others to determine what is appropriate in my own life, bending for them and sacrificing my own personal power in the process. In connecting more to my own authentic self, I’ve had to say goodbye to many relationships. It’s been heartbreaking at times, but it’s also been so freeing above anything else.
These experiences, revelations, feel like a beautiful reflection of my process over the last couple of years with Human Design- allowing for the vehicle to take over, putting my mind’s desires aside. It has been immensely freeing for me, all the while, allowing my entire world, as I’ve known it, to crumble. There is a desire to maintain what is in your life, naturally, however, the freedom that exists with letting go and becoming a witness to what is is incredible. It’s life changing. And more than anything, it is incredibly hard to ignore once you’ve allowed it to flourish within you.
And so, fully aligned with this Saturn retrograde, my deconditioning process has made ignoring my body’s desires, and pure mechanics, impossible. The work I’ve been doing recently with my own business has very much been behind the scenes, but the pivots have been huge. I have no idea where I’m going, but I’m excited and curious to see the process continue, as I bear witness, as the observer, to what is already laid out for me, promised at birth.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me as I continue to shift.
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