I’ve watched as emotional experiences have been a growing topic of conversation recently. I haven’t put my finger on exactly why that is other than the presence of many Solar Plexus transits earlier this year, or general collective consciousness echoing throughout the spaces I frequent. Many of the conversations I’ve found myself in have opened up a lot of thought around what healthy expression of the defined Solar Plexus looks like, and in tandem, I suppose the undefined Solar Plexus as well. It’s funny to think of all of my experiences over these past several years- learning what my wave looks like, witnessing a fully processed decision and what the resulting experiences can look like, new awareness of past experiences with my wave’s expression prior to my introduction to human design, experiencing healthy witness from those within my network of fellow experimenting folks, and unhealthy witness, and subsequent critique, from others who are in similar measure in their own experiment within design, but are individuals I have moved away from.
I’ve shared on my wave, as a 39-55 emoting individual, a few times over the last year or so. So much of this sharing has been born from a desire to see more of my own experiences with emotionality out in the world as I couldn’t find anyone describing this intense wave the way I’ve experienced it. There are so many reasons this may be the case, one of which being that I have no SP definition outside of gate 55. A fixed, clear, consistent experience of this mutative channel. Or, that it is my only channel. Something else I’ve only discovered this past year is the way in which this stream can become fixed into a certain expression, or way of being through experiences of trauma or instability. I’ve watched over this past year or two as my wave has changed significantly, lightening, unloading the weight I’ve carried for much of my life, slowly becoming less heavy with time, with expression and movement of formerly stuck emotion. I’ve watched as my lighter days become more frequent, as my formerly frequently felt ‘meh’ has, instead, become “I’m doing alright”. I see more and more highs, I hear them more often in my speech. I’m deeply grateful for the people I’ve encountered who have helped shift my trajectory in this way. And in many ways, being able to be one of those space holders, the hermit on the hill with his lantern guiding the way for other way finders is deeply meaningful to me. It has always been a belief of mine that a healthy society starts within us, as individuals. That the clearer we are within ourselves, the brighter we can light the way for others.
In this change, and in this awareness building, I’ve had a growing desire to share more on my own experience with this particular emotional channel. I also desire to maintain the honesty of what I’ve previously shared, because while I see growth and change in my expression as an emotional being, I also see the value in what I‘ve shared before, in the person I was a year or two ago. I know that I’m not alone in some of the intense experiences I’ve walked through along this process of undoing what has been deeply conditioned into me. Messiness is a part of this process, and I make a point to share that messiness because it is a part of the human experience, universally. We cannot hide from the darkness of life forever, it will always surface, even if we try our hardest to keep it under control, to maintain a shiny, professional exterior. And, ultimately, so much of integrating human design is being in a constant practice of radical self acceptance, no matter what that looks like in each moment.
As I’ve allowed myself to lean in, and truly feel my emotions, I’ve seen a lightness in my overall experience of them. A clarity of expression. The emotions feel less and less murky, and I can pinpoint more readily where I am on my wave, whether I’m feeling a purely emotional experience, or if I’m instead feeling melancholy, which is an aspect of emoting, but also an aspect of all individual circuitry. What is unique about melancholy in the individual emotional channels (39-55 and 12-22) is that melancholy can be experienced alone or alongside a low. I’ve noticed, recently during a week in which I felt each alone only days apart, that a true low is much softer of an experience for me, that it carries deep, bodily pain, but it isn’t unbearable, meanwhile, melancholy can feel so challenging for me to hold. In that melancholy, nothing feels good or satisfying. It is uncomfortable, hard to sit in stillness with, despite that being what it’s here to do. It is here to separate us from what isn’t correct for us to take in in that moment, allowing us space to bring some new creation into this world. I notice the ways, now, in which I once described the melancholic low of emoting as an exorcism. It can feel that way at times. Something within us ripping its way through the body, needing an outlet. Writing has become this outlet for me. Melancholy can be repulsive to the other, and in many ways, that feels purposeful. Nietzsche talks about this action in a section of Thus Spoke Zarathustra entitled Flies in the Marketplace.
“Where solitude endeth, there beginneth the market-place; and where the market-place beginneth, there beginneth also the noise of the great actors, and the buzzing of the poison-flies.”
It’s a time to dedicate to creation, whatever form that takes. However, true creation must be found in isolation, away from the influence of the masses or those who pander to and prey on them.
Something I’ve come to build awareness around is that not all decisions will bring a wave to process, and this can become one of the biggest traps for the mind to fall into. Learning to accept that no wave, no highs, no lows means that no decision needs to be made. True neutrality without any movement prior leaves ample room for the mind to step into any decision. And when we’ve moved on a decision without processing any emotional movement one way or the other, we gain information and will sometimes push ourselves into a self imposed wave process. And so, in the end, we will always gain perspective on any decision, even if we do come to it from some mental origin. Last year I accepted a position with a job that was seemingly an opportunity to build stability in my life. It certainly created momentum for me. But in taking the job after multiple successful interviews, I discovered that I had a lot of big emotional things bubbling up to the surface as I hit the road for a few week long trip out west just before beginning training. I hadn’t clocked my emotional agitation for what it was- a signal that my body wanted nothing to do with this job opportunity. Taking the job gave my body the information it needed to send me the signals I could not read until much later. As I began the job, my body would resist with more obvious signals and each signal of resistance would become louder and louder until I found myself almost daily sobbing in the bathroom as every cell in my body could not continue the mundane functions of the job. An internal battle was so loud. I set a timeframe for myself to escape. I made the job work for the time I needed it to and left as soon as it was too inconvenient for me to continue on.
In this time, I found myself processing not one, but two distinct waves on some plans that would unfold over the course of months to nearly a year. I think these two waves have been significant experiences of awareness building for me. Both allowed me to see just how perfectly things can fall into place when something is correct for us, though one took much longer to witness the unfolding of the bigger picture, something I’m still seeing unfold in real time. And, at the same time, how what we might think we’re processing a wave around is not exactly what is truly in the works. An invitation to a conference might truly be a pebble shifting the water in a bucket, allowing us to access the information, the person, the experience we needed. And you know, I do think both processes have really shown the same lessons in that experience.
I have said for a long time that I felt that the emotional process was one of the most challenging authorities to live with, but I do see error in those words now. All authorities have their drawbacks and challenges in understanding- the spleen only speaks once, for example, and if you miss it there will be no other indication of direction. But I will hold to this idea that learning to see the wave process in action requires so much effort and undoing for some.
My own early experiences of my big emotions were met with traumatic ‘correction’ that would have me shutting myself off from that awareness for twenty years. I didn’t dare face the tears I felt below the surface, that pressure in my throat, behind my eyes. I didn’t dare face it for fear of drowning in it. Until one day in 2018 I was prompted to let it go. My awareness has been shifting ever since. But even three years of a practice of allowing those emotions to flow when I felt them come still had me facing confusion when it came to making a decision through this emotional process.
Awareness, understanding required conversation with others who understood, mentally, or those who embodied awareness more than I, it required others pointing out a high or low, it required supportive somatic practices, it required a change of diet. So many little things have guided me to this current understanding. And even now, I know there is more to learn. An additional two years have brought with them this feeling of movement within me, no longer feeling locked into this constant low, this constant depressive state, this constant distaste for the life all around me, these biting flies seemingly everywhere.
It feels as though there is so much more to share on this, all of the experiences I’ve moved through this past year and a half as I’ve deepened my understanding of my wave process, but I desire to keep this digestible. I’ve felt truly honored to be a witness to the unfolding of understanding of the emotional process across lengthy timelines within my Projector’s Prayer discord server, and it’s shown me time and time again how long this process of integration can take. It reinforces my desire to work long term with others along their journey, as a light post, as a cheerleader, as a guide. There to empower each individual along their path to knowing and accepting the self wholly. If you desire to explore deeper with me, always feel welcome to reach out for more information or you can follow this link, here.
Many blessings to you today and every day.
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